Yes, this is such a weird song. It makes me feel drunk listening to it. It goes up and down and all over the place but fuuuck is it good. But despite the fact that it is bizarre it is great. You can dance to this song (it’s been proven). You can even sing a long to the chorus because often that is the part of a song everyone knows. And as experimental as this song is there are still moments that make it a very chill song to just sit back and listen to.
“This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It’s the right thing to do.”—
Dear People Who Object to the Coverage Haiti Gets, Or to the Aid Haiti Is Being Given:
You’re clearly alienated by this outpouring of support. You find it unsettling that you’re so alone in not caring. You’re irritated by the apparent possibility that, as far as humans go, you might have a below-average capacity for kindness, for empathic concern. Which is fine! But if you can’t be bothered to care, don’t project that indifference onto other people simply because you don’t possess the kind of imagination that would allow you to consider that someone else actually might. That some athletes, some people, rather than thinking about how good they’ll look for having donated, will simply be acting on the recognition that the dying, orphaned and homeless need those ten bucks, or that thousand, more than they do.
I have a lot of dreams. I want to be a doctor and own a coffee shop that’s only open from 10pm to 10am and want to own a funeral home that throws huge parties to celebrate life rather than mourn death. I’d love to be the mayor of one of those weird hippie communities that grow their own food and use solar paneling for electricity and rain barrels for water. I want to own a gym/yoga center that doesn’t play the worst Top 40 pop hits and only plays punk and indie rock and the only people who can come in are pasty and doughy and are generally in danger of catching a piercing on a weight machine. I want to own a really big house with a really big kitchen and dining room so I can feed all of my friends and they can bring their friends. Also in this big house would be room for a bunch of awesome big dogs to romp and horse around. I also want to own a strip club that includes really unusually sexy women dancing to songs like this one. Indie rock strip club. Why the fuck not.
So tonight is the last Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, and perhaps may be the last time Conan has a talk show for a while (if not forever—who knows?) This last week has been pretty crazy, with Conan declaring that the last two shows in particular are going to be devoted to “having a lot of fun on television.” We’ve already had some great moments and guests popping up so far this week. Pee-Wee Herman goofed around last night during the monologue, and a few nights ago, we got an appearance from arguably the best Conan guest of all time, Norm MacDonald. Here’s a list of the Top Ten things I’d like to see on the very last Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. Obviously, they won’t have time to fit everything, but I think these moments would be worthwhile for a finale. And since we know that Will Ferrell and Tom Hanks will be in the house, I’ve chosen not to include anything involving them from the list (although I’m hoping for some Ferrell leprechaun action.) I’d embed video with these entries, but the limitations of my work computer are stopping me from doing so. (Use Google if you must!)
10. Horny Manatee A few years back, an ad-lib from Conan during a sketch resulted in NBC having to buy the domain name hornymanatee.com. With this site at their disposal, they had what seemed like weeks of fun, filling the site with racy, fan-created artwork about horny manatees. I remember this incident creating a lot of buzz for the show, as it was characteristically absurd and silly fun. I don’t know how they could include this bit in the final show without it seeming forced, but maybe they’ll make NBC buy a lot of domain names in the spirit of draining them of all their money? (Note: The comedy bits conceived solely for the purpose of bleeding NBC of a lot of money is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Bugatti Veyron mouse listening to “Satisfaction” and Kentucky Derby winner in a mink snuggie watching restricted NFL Super Bowl footage are both genius ideas.)
9. Will Arnett, Law & Order air-guitarist I think a drop-in from Will Arnett is not unlikely, as he’s been a good friend of the show for a while. My favorite recurring Arnett bit is his focused, passionate air-guitaring of the Law & Order theme, which would be a treat to see again. However, I don’t see how that piece in particular would fit in the grand scheme of things, especially considering that Law & Order is an NBC show. Maybe they can play that angle somehow to their favor. Or maybe Will can air-guitar a song that is really expensive to play on television. Crazy expensive comedy pieces!
8. Jim Gaffigan and Pale Force Every time Jim Gaffigan came on Conan as a guest, he’d bring along a cartoon depicting Gaffigan as a muscular, brave super hero and Conan as a weak, cowardly bed-wetter. I think this could be an opportunity to throw some NBC execs into the mix and show them to be the cartoonishly evil assholes they are.
7. The Post-Modern Ironic Celebrity Cameo William Shatner. John Tesh. Abe Vigoda. James Lipton. All of them have appeared on Conan to poke fun at their image as celebrities/public figures. I think Shatner is the only one who’s been on The Tonight Show thusfar (he’s been doing poetic readings of Levi Johnston’s twitters and Palin’s Going Rogue) so he’s probably the most likely to make an appearance. Regardless, I’d be delighted to see any of these guys, especially Vigoda, who appears to be game for anything.
6. Clutch Cargo Specifically Arnold. For me, very little is funnier than Robert Smigel controlling the lips of a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face. Very. Little. I don’t see this happening tonight because it seems they retired it with Late Night. It’s so high on this list though because I love it so much, but it’s not #1 because it’s mostly wishful thinking.
5. A litany of old characters Sure, the Interrupter has made an appearance on The Tonight Show, but most of the classic Late Night characters haven’t made a similar jump. Newspapers have been reporting that the end of this show will also signal the end of all “intellectual property” that Conan has developed at NBC. With this in mind, I feel there’s justification for parading out some old favorites, including Preparation H Raymond, Artie Kendall the offensive 1930s crooner, Fed-Ex Pope, Vomiting Kermit, Coked-up Werewolf, Brian Stack’s joke salesman, Pimpbot 5000, and the Slipnuts. A fond farewell…
4. David Letterman It’s a long-shot, but how crazy would it be if he showed up tonight? I know it’d be weird to appear on the show that’s competing against yours, but I think the circumstances are appropriate. Conan is getting screwed by NBC in a manner that is EERILY similar to what they did to Letterman more than fifteen years ago. Conan is clearly a student of Letterman’s brand of off-beat, innovative humor, and I think everyone knows that the two respect each other. Letterman has not been holding back in getting involved in all of this because, according to him, “it’s just too much fun.” So there’s certainly a chance.
3. Paul Rudd Setting up a Clip from Mac and Me This is so high up on the list for personal reasons: I love Paul Rudd and I love that scene from Mac and Me. Rudd setting up a clip from his new movie and instead showing the infamous wheelchair scene became a tradition on Late Night. We never got to see if he would have continued it on The Tonight Show. Now’s the chance.
2. Walker Texas Ranger Lever The perfect comedic device. Dare I say… it’s legendary. Conan himself has said that the one thing people ask him about more than anything else is the Lever. If Conan wants to have fun like he said, there’s nothing better than a simple machine that dispenses ridiculous, sometimes jaw-dropping scenes from a karate-ish Chuck Norris series. Maybe Tom Hanks can give it a pull. (If you haven’t seen the Walker clip with Haley Joel Osment, do yourself a favor and go look for it, preferably with Conan’s reaction.)
1. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Possibly the most enduring creation from Conan’s time on television is the foul-mouthed, insult-spewing puppet dog voiced by Robert Smigel. His remote pieces are often so hilarious that his notoriety/presence in pop culture is comparable to that of Conan himself. It’s been shown over and over, but Triumph talking to the Star Wars nerds might be the funniest piece of comedy on television in the last decade or so. I think there’s a 100% chance that we see Triumph tonight. If there was ever a time to insult NBC, it’s now, and the best person for the job is most definitely Triumph.